Cleaning Out My Wallet

January 2, 2008 at 10:22 am | Posted in Weirdness | 1 Comment

When I’m imbibing with friends, I will sometimes hear a comment that strikes me as worthy of writing down, usually on the back of business cards I’ve collected in my wallet.  I’m never sure afterwards exactly what motivated me to write the comment down.  I imagine that in my altered state I found it witty or hysterical or bizarre.  As I clean out my wallet for the start of the new year, I’m left a bit mystified by my state of mind at the time I jotted down these bon mottes.

Here’s a sampling….

On the back of a business card from the city’s Substance Abuse Task Force:

“You always get hit on by old, dirty, creepy men.  That’s why you go after young boys.”

One of my best friends directed this one at me on Cinco de Mayo, and I had her initial it after I recorded it.  This one is true, up to a point.  After all, Homeboy is a full five years younger than me.

On a scrap of cardstock:

K: Are you going to puke?

C: Hit me in the chest.

I like non sequiturs, and must have felt this was one.  Now I don’t see the significance, other than that my friends are kind of gross.

A: I love sluts.

This dude does indeed love sluts, but I think this one struck me as we were talking about something entirely different, most likely something about UFC or kung fu.

On a piece of paper:

“Gonna call my peeps cuz of all of youz who ain’t gonna call cuz youz stupid, all you light-skinned pus heads.”

I was sober and on a bus to NYC when I heard this one.  The bus driver had had a bit of a meltdown and pulled over on the highway somewhere near New Rochelle because he was convinced that someone was smoking on the bus.  We sat there for almost an hour while he fumed, and a young Jamaican woman was royally pissed.  This above quote is just a selection of her long, long monologue.  I like the light-skinned pus head part.

On the back of a card from the District Court’s Pretrial Services Unit:

A haiku about how disgusting I think golden showers are.

You don’t need to read that.  That’s weird.


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  1. Pretty funny what you find in that wallet. I am usually terrified looking at all my bar receipts. It’s amazing how rich I think I am when I’m sorta smashed…

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