Another Long Week Over

May 4, 2008 at 2:04 pm | Posted in Self, The Bucket, Working | 4 Comments

Pretty much every Friday night I feel like someone has beaten the crap after me, all week long.  Normally, I just snuggle up on the couch and turn in early.  But this Friday, I decided to tie one on.  I mean, really tie one on.  If I hadn’t been so hung over on Saturday, I would have been able to make my apology phone calls a little more convincing.  But as it was, I spent much of the day lying on the couch whimpering.  I know that I sent a few texts that I shouldn’t have and perhaps even dialed a few numbers.  First thing I did when I was fairly lucid the next morning was delete the evidence so I wouldn’t know who I harassed.  I’m sure they’ll be more than pleased to remind me of it when they see me next,

This past week was fairly miserable, what with the passing of Your Highness’s brother and the aftermath.  The area around my work was like occupied terrtitory, and at one point, I saw no fewer than seven marked and unmarked police cars circling the block.  The park is absolutely empty, and many of my clients have stopped coming to see me.  Everyone and their mother is wearing “Hell Boi, Rest in Peace” T-shirts and there are mini altars everywhere.  Rumors are flying around crazily, but the only thing everyone is sure of is that a)the shooting seal has been broken and the youth of the Bucket and Central Falls are officially engaged in turf wars and b) it’s going to be a very long summer.

Alas, I believe a drinking binge in which I acted entirely inappropriately was totaly in order.

I do know that I need a little light in my life, and not the pinpricks of joy and silliness that are borne from the sadness and anger I see everyday.  But I need a riot of color and crazy waves of positivity without the backdrop of struggle.  Not sure if I can ever entirely get away from the “dark side” though, which makes me nervous.

Part of me thinks I should get out of this line of work, and become a travel agent or a paralegal.  But just the thought of doing something so unfulfilling makes me want to cry.  I know that we’re supposed to work to live, not live to work, but what about when that work you do truly means something?  My heart is so crowded with the people I’m surrounded by (from others who work in the Bucket to the kids) that I can’t imagine doing a job in which I’m not motivated by love. 

I mean, just when I’m about to run off to join the gypsies when the stress gets to be too much, in saunters the CV Prince who subjects me to a medley of Ace of Base songs.  Where the hell else could I find a twenty two year old macho, arrogant kid who thinks that Ace of Base has “some tight shit?”  Or two fourteen year old kids who will sit in my office silently as we try to remove the wrappers from Starburst using only our mouths?

Little things like these make ambivalence the usual state of affairs for me.

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4 Comments »

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  1. My dear, you need to protect yourself. You’ve got to do more to charge your own batteries in order to stay in that line of work. What you are doing IS WORTH IT! It is great work! But you have to take care of yourself so you can handle the work.

    Make a list of 5 things you are going to start doing for yourself, then start doing them.

  2. I agree with R.G. and also, sometimes treating yourself to things like massages, pedicures and manicures, is a lot more healthier for you than the whole drinking and texting experience. And you don’t get a huge hangover! But I have to learn that for myself yet…lol, so I should probably shut up right about now.

  3. First off, why didn’t I get a drunk text???!???

    Second, there are fulfilling lines of work that aren’t quite as draining. I used to work with disabled parents and when I couldn’t handle that anymore I dived into the world of high school. Here, though the kids are needy, many do have a light at the end of their tunnels so it’s a bit more balanced than the environment you’re in.

  4. You’re so very right, Rivergirl…I do need to do that. Do you believe that I’ve never gotten a pedicure before? I’ve got so much comp time built up that I’m hoping to sneak out soon and get one. And maybe a massage.

    Went out last Friday night as well, got a wee bit tipsy, but not nearly so maudlin and feisty as I did before I posted this.

    Plus, the weather has been much nicer, the par is starting to fill up again, and I saw Your Highness briefly but long enough to give him a nice big hug.

    Unfortunately, Bracelet Boy got picked up for something last week and has been MIA…with a bit of sleuthing found out he was in jail. :0

    The sun and the silliness are both back!


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